The Silent Divorce: What It Is and How to Protect Your Wealth

Successful women know silence can be deceptive, especially when it creeps into long-term relationships. Beyond the professional achievements and carefully curated exterior, many high-performing women find themselves navigating the complex emotional and financial terrain of a “silent divorce,” a reality that threatens to unravel years of carefully built personal and professional momentum.

Beneath the surface of seemingly stable partnerships, a profound shift occurs when connection dissolves, leaving ambitious women facing unexpected personal and financial crossroads. Modern relationship dynamics reveal that disconnection isn’t just an emotional challenge—it’s a critical intersection where personal fulfillment and financial strategy must intersect with unprecedented clarity and intention.

Kara Duckworth understands these intricate dynamics intimately. As a Managing Director of Client Experience at Mercer Advisors and a Certified Financial Planner with specialized expertise as a Divorce Financial Analyst, she brings a uniquely compassionate yet analytically precise approach to supporting women through these transformative moments. Her work extends beyond traditional financial advising, offering a strategic roadmap that empowers women to transform potential personal disruptions into opportunities for renewed personal and professional growth.

Can you explain what “silent divorce” means from a financial planning perspective, and why successful women should be particularly concerned about this?

Kara Duckworth: “Silent divorce” refers to couples who have separated emotionally, but not legally or financially. They’re still living together, maybe for a range of reasons, but they have drifted apart. It refers to when the relationship is over, but the couple might be in various stages of accepting and acknowledging that. It’s a familiar situation for which we didn’t always have a name.

We know from experience that finances can be at the heart of a silent divorce. The couple may feel like they’re better off financially together or are uncertain what their financial situation would look like if they separate. These questions about finances can cause a sort of paralysis.

What are the three biggest financial blind spots that high-earning women miss when they’re in a silent divorce situation?

Kara Duckworth: This is a particularly risky moment for a couple’s finances because they’re no longer making decisions as a team, not necessarily thinking about each other’s best interests, and maybe not making plans that align with the reality of their future. Over the years, three of the big blind spots we see in these situations are:

• Sticking with an old financial plan. A lot of financially savvy couples had a plan that makes sense for a future together, but that’s rarely going to be the same plan that makes sense for a future apart.
• Engaging with a divorce attorney, instead of a team. Most people have the idea that their first and only call should be to a divorce attorney. But an attorney’s primary focus is navigating the legal aspects of the divorce and not developing a new long-term financial plan. The more complicated the finances, the more potential there is for mistakes, and therefore the more it matters to think about financial planning early in the process.
• Not having a plan for cash flow needs before and during negotiations. Many individuals enter asset division discussions without fully understanding their cash flow needs to maintain their lifestyle — both during and after the divorce. Without a financial plan from the outset, it can be difficult to advocate for yourself during negotiations.

How does silent divorce specifically impact retirement planning, and what should women do to protect their financial future if they suspect they’re in this situation?

Kara Duckworth: If you think about the tax code or many retirement benefits, they just work differently for couples. There are separate tax brackets for individuals. Social Security works differently for individuals; many benefits, including pensions and insurance, depend on spousal status. When you add complicated finances to the mix, you really need to sit down and have a conversation with someone who is in your corner and can run the numbers on what your specific situation might look like.

For our audience of entrepreneurial women who may own businesses or have complex assets, what financial documentation should they gather before considering divorce proceedings?

Kara Duckworth: The most important thing to be sure about is that you have access to your financial documents – do you have your own log-in to your financial institution’s website or app? Do you have a copy of your tax returns? Unfortunately, if you don’t have your own log-ins or copies of documents, your spouse may change a shared password or remove documents from the usual storage location without your knowledge, dragging out the process and causing much frustration at an already stressful time.

A Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) is a financial advocate who can help you and your legal team understand the full implications of potential settlements. They can partner with other professionals, such as accountants or estate attorneys, to help ensure an integrated financial approach and help figure out everything you need for your particular situation.

What’s the biggest financial mistake you see successful women make when they first start contemplating divorce?

Kara Duckworth: From our experience as financial planners, it really is waiting until too late in the process to have a financial plan. People are often focused on how existing assets will be divided, and not what they’re going to do with those assets going forward. It’s often not until after the divorce that one realizes they have a legal settlement but are missing a financial plan. In my experience, I’ve seen many people engage an adviser after the asset division process, which is often too late to achieve the optimal outcomes.

How should women who earn more than their spouses approach financial planning differently when considering divorce?

Kara Duckworth: More women than ever are the primary breadwinner in their household or very significant contributors to household income, but we know this doesn’t always translate to how couples make financial decisions. A UBS study of high-net-worth women a few years ago found that only 20% of high-net-worth couples made financial decisions together, and in 48% of the couples, the husband takes responsibility for long-term financial decisions.

This underscores the importance of working with someone who is in your corner to develop a plan that makes sense for your future.

How can women protect their personal brand and business relationships while navigating the financial complexities of divorce?

Kara Duckworth: There’s no one-sized-fits-all answer here, but for women who started businesses or own businesses, one of their key priorities may be not giving up a share of that business. That’s an area where a financial advisor can sit down, look at the full finances, and help you understand your options. Your financial advisor will bring an objective perspective and help you evaluate the pros and cons of your asset division strategy.

What role should a financial advisor play during divorce proceedings, and when should one be brought into the process?

Kara Duckworth: The number one thing I’ve thought over the years when working with people after their divorce is: I wish I could have started helping sooner. So many of the decisions in a divorce can have long-term financial implications that you want to consider at the outset.

What are the hidden tax implications of divorce that successful women often overlook, and how can proper planning turn potential tax burdens into advantages?

Kara Duckworth: When dividing assets, it’s easy to focus solely on their current value, but it’s really important to plan for the tax implications of different investments.

Here’s a simple example of what I mean: Two retirement accounts might have the same balance, but one is an after-tax account and another is pre-tax. The after-tax account is considerably more valuable since its withdrawals will not be taxed again.

Another important consideration is the sale of assets during a divorce. If you sell assets without a plan, you may incur a large capital gain, resulting in a significant portion of the asset being taxed away. There are, however, strategies to mitigate those taxes. There are tax-efficient ways to take a large, concentrated asset and turn it into a diversified portfolio, and that’s something an advisor can really help you navigate.

After divorce, what are the first three financial moves you recommend for women who want to rebuild and strengthen their financial independence?

Kara Duckworth: For many people, feeling organized at this moment will really help start a new chapter of their life with confidence. This is a great moment for financial hygiene, and some good steps to take include:

1. Update Beneficiary designations. Retirement accounts, life insurance policies and pay-on-death accounts will transfer to the named beneficiaries, regardless of divorce. If your former spouse or their family members remain listed, they will receive these assets.
2. Digital assets. Update user IDs and passwords for shared accounts to prevent unauthorized access. Do the same for any passwords that may be easily guessed by unwelcome users.
3. Make a plan to continue financial planning! The best financial plans are not one-time exercises where you sit down and figure out your financial future, and nothing ever changes. A good financial plan will evolve as your future evolves.

We understand how overwhelming the financial challenges of divorce can be for women, but we also know that with the right team and a clear plan, you can emerge financially reassured, confident, and independent.